Self Worth on Love

I look at myself in the mirror,
Reflecting my actions, my ideals.
Whispers of rumours circulate me;
Do I accept it and move on?
Or do I let it be and play along,
even though I’ll be hurt.

I confessed that I do like you,
But that seemed all for nought.
For it remained the same.
An apple of jealous begins to bloom;
But rots as fast as it grows.

It’s a game to me.
To see how far you’ll go,
To watch and see;
To observe and learn.
Yet, I’ve gathered nothing. 

I want to give up on you;
I really do. 
I’ve given you chances;
but all seemed to go unnoticed.

I’ve given up.

…and moved on.

A part of me will be open.
But how far will it last?
Should we be together?

A silly thought.
But one I’ve grown accustomed to.
Now I lay to waste, like a fruit. 
Should you forget about me,
I will rot away. 

Do not fret,
For I am used to it.

A summer fling.
A few weeks.
or Months.

Who knows.

I subject myself to the media.
TV taught me to feel;
Reality taught me to conceal.

One way or another, 
It’ll be a long wait for me.

 

 

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Life and Dreams

Let’s talk about something more real. Now my input on life is that it should be lived to the fullest; with pure happiness and freedom. With a world like ours, it’s quite impossible. You need the green to live. You need to be something that dictates your status; be it the colour of your skin, your religion, your sexuality, etc. For others, it might be the path that you take. Science? Mathematics? Law? Medicine? Engineering? Now, typically all of them are known to be big money makers. If you are part of the percentage of that likes and wants to pursue them for your goals, good for you! They are tough no doubt. But let’s not forget the others that matter the most. Art. Dance. Theather. Music. Just to name a few.

I adore the particular quote from the late Robin Williams as it resonates with tonight’s blog post.

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.”

– John Keating, Dead Poets Society (1989)

I’m currently pursuing a diploma in dance. Funny to be honest. I remember the looks of everyone I know when I told them. Some were a bit negative about it. Others were supportive. Now as much as I love to dance and am proud to be studying this because the course itself is pretty versatile, a part of me does think what if I didn’t take this and opted to take hotel and management? Or Mass Communication.

In today’s world is honestly different than the past 150 years ago. The world has evolved and in need of beauty and art to live. We may be more advanced than we were in the past. But all that came with a price.

As of late, a majority of the population hate their jobs. Dreams crushed due to the harsh world, dwindling economy, past or present troubles. It seems the only way to be happy is to be rich. Money can’t buy happiness. That was what I believed in. But it seems as though without money we are miserable.

Enter hobbies on this. Now while the majority of us don’t have the privilege of doing stuff we love and getting big dough for it, we can turn to hobbies. Activities that help distract our minds from the misery of the world.

In the end, remember; Our time here is temporary.

My two cents everyone.

Sense of style

Let’s talk about style, shall we? I’m not a somewhat fashionable person but I try to, to say the least. Though living in my country where rules are and morality of the new generation get challenge almost everyday, fashion style itself is changing. Teens as young as 13 years old dress better than me and I’m 18. I’ve touched the issue that I’m dealing with body image a bit, so finding clothes that flatter me and what I like is a challenge cause either a) I’m not confident in using them, b) hella expensive for my kind of budget, c) it’s not appropriate for the stigma here where modesty is a must.

Now, all my life I’ve been taught and listened to not dress a certain way because either I will get attention from men and will be raped. But in my opinion, no matter what one is wearing, you still have the chance of being raped; especially if you’re a girl. Your chance of getting raped is doubled. Now I try my best to dress what really flatters me and gives me confidence (bonus if I look damn good in a pic.)

Straying away a bit but I adore grunge, punk, hipster style. That is a fact that I must admit. Looking at gorgeous girls in those outfits make me envy them; why can’t I look/be like them; other times I’d be like; Would I look cute? Maybe. 

It’s hard to achieve to look that way with the way I am now. Being harsh again. What do you expect? They’re my two cents.

Honesty

This is kind of a touchy subject for me. Let me be honest here, to you, and to myself. Since I was young, I was a pretty average kid, then there was a period of time where I had gotten fat; chubby kind of way. Since then, I had struggled with how I look and how much I weighed. I was constantly being compared to my relatively skinnier and prettier cousins. Nicknames such as Elephant and Giant was given to me. Now I was young and acted like it didn’t mean anything. But I knew deep down that it hurt me so much to be called that.

The worst part was that it was done by my own family. Yeah to them it was just a joke but till the point of like saying; “You know, when I was young I was way skinnier than you.” “It must be because you eat so much.” “Look at your cousins/sister. They’re all skinny. Why can’t you be like that.” “You’re lazy that’s why you’re fat.” “I worry about you. You have wide hips and a big butt.” “Look at your calves, they’re like an Elephant’s!” “Dress more modestly. Make sure you cover your butt.” “It’s so hard to find clothes that are your size.” “Why are you taking so long to pick something? As long as it hides your butt, just get it.” “You should try running or jogging. It’d help you slim down those elephant calves and thighs of yours.”

Sigh.

I grew tired of hearing all of that. It led me to believe that I wasn’t good enough. Or that I wasn’t pretty enough. I was envy of everyone who was skinnier than me. I admit that I liked to befriend those who were a bigger size than me just to feel good. Selfish right? Eventually, I tried all sort of stuff. From working out to dieting to trying out weird shit to try and slim down. It worked, but I have no idea if what I was doing was healthy or not. I’m just glad that I didn’t fell into anorexia nor bulimia. So yeah.

I grew up, now with lesser insecurities than I had when I was younger. I went from a good girl to somewhat a relatively lesser, not 100% good girl. Trying my best to dress that flatters my figure and what not. Working out and dieting in a healthier way. Thinking positively about body image and self-love.

 

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How I looked like a few months ago

 

If I could point out the imperfections that I see myself having, there’d be no end. That’s how low and harsh I can be with myself. Once it got to the point where I would hate myself for having a body like mine and almost started cutting.

Being in uni and in a course that is physically demanding, it helped with my self-esteem a little and slowly I started looking at myself in a positive light. Although there are still times where I would look in the mirror and hate myself again or when I see skinnier girls who are drop-dead gorgeous.

Even when I’m trying to get into shape, I feel as though I’m being judged and criticized still. Why even try right?  I’m trying still but this time for myself rather than to please others. Hopefully, everything will be alright and I’ll prevail.

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How I look like now

 

My Type?

If it wasn’t obvious enough, I identify myself as an ENFP. That and because I took the damn Myers Briggs’ 16 personality test. There are a few qualities that I don’t see myself in but hey, it’s me.

When you think of someone who is an ENFP, what do you think of? I for one imagine an ENFP as something like a child lost in the adult world, wanting to change the world even though around them are rules and limitations. They are a perennial favourite. They are the favourite younger sibling in a family; and are the warmth of protection glowing in one’s chest. They are waking up late on a slow day, and are the beat of a song that plays during work. They are a child skipping rope on the sidewalk, and the wonder of a scientist testing an Element. They are pens scattered on a table in every shade of the rainbow, and the hopeless scrubbing of an eraser over paper. There are notebooks sitting on a shelf unused and half-finished art projects left for a soon-due essay. Essentially, ENFPs, are the Glow of Praise.

 

Home and memories

Truly what is Home?
Tis the warm feeling when one comes back to a place after a long day.
Tis the people there who make you feel welcome.
Tis the object of what you look forward to coming back.
Tis the place where you lay your weary head.
Tis where you make memorable memories with everything and everyone around you.
Tis the thought of missing it;
Missing them. Missing someone.
That is Home.

 

After a good four months of studying abroad, the lands of the west, I’ve finally reached home sweet home. It’s been tiring these past months I admit. But finally getting a month’s worth of break is a blessing. Let me rephrase that; Bittersweet. For after this semester break, I fear that the upcoming holidays, I won’t be able to head back home anytime soon due to the workload and practices that are yet to come and are due.

Let me update you on what has recently happened. The past week was finals and being in this particular programme, I had only a mere three papers that had to be dealt with. Soon after that, it was all about packing and moving stuff to the new rental house that my friends and I will be staying in for the next four months. They shall be my new roommates.

I shall truly miss my housemates this semester. We created many wonderful memories during the course of months. From strangers from different regions, background and religion, we bonded and became family. Late night gossips, to cooking audacious food at the wee hours of the early morning; From talking trash and being overly sarcastic to each other, it’s a wonder how we were able to get along so well.

Home soon

I stare at the bright sky,
The clouds above,
White and grey.

To which I am reminded of,
That I shall be home soon.
Just days away before I board the plane;
That shall take me up there.

Up in the sky for an hour or so,
The clock ticks away,
Counting down the minutes before touchdown.

 

It’s been a while since I last blog. Nothing much but just finals are this week and I’ve been catching up on some last minute assignments. This is just a little update on how it’s been going and I’ll probably be back blogging once I’m back in my hometown. Can’t wait till this semester is over, to be honest.

 

 

How it’s been

It’s been a few days and I’ve been through a lot. First off, I cried. The pent-up emotions that I withheld and hid these past few months finally broke. What’s worse was that I was in the middle of practice. I guess it was due to the stress of finals and showcases that I finally broke down.

After that, it was a night away from my sweet hostel bed and into the jungle, I went.  During which one of the activities was to pretend to be dishonest towards your group member. Sadly to say, I was the one that got it. And I cried a second time. Obviously, haven’t fully recovered from the previous day before jungle trekking happened.

After that, remember how I wrote about someone in my previous post? Well, something happened yet again. I can’t be the one to advise him whatsoever because I’m the one who’s making him like that. Which only makes me frustrated more than ever.

A cup of your time

What could be more comforting than a warm cup of tea? The cosy ambience of a cafe? Or perhaps the warmth of snuggling into your blanket with a good book or laptop? Inhaling the delicious scent of your beverage and taking a breather.

I can’t wait to be back home in a couple of weeks. After about 3 months being away from home since entering university and all, I can’t wait to be able to spend a month’s semester break back home. Of course, I can’t guarantee that I won’t be just there relaxing and all. Probably get a part time job or something.

I love cafes. Don’t you? The ambience, the food, the comforting feeling where you can just relax with overpriced beverage and food prices. Not that all cafes do that, it’s just normal since every cafe is competing against one another.

A chance to hit the gym perhaps. Going to the cafes are definitely on my to-do list. Meet up with old friends or whatever. I just can’t wait. These next couple of weeks are gonna be stressful due to finals.

Who knows. The next time I blog, it might be when I’m back home.

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